#ruthiliciousHindsight: I finally named my Angel

Life is an open book.
In order to make sense of life,
it's either you read it or write it.
- #ruthiliciousHindsight

Life is beautiful. I believe that.

Life can be dark. And I believe that too.

Life can be both beautiful and dark and everybody knows that.

It's April again and for the last 12 years, this particular month gets the worse out of me. I dread this month. I always feel emotional when this month comes. And I always wish that it will go fast if not skip it altogether.

For the last 12 years, April is a very painful month for me. I don't even know how to handle it or describe how I feel about it. Because I don't have words for it.

For the last 12 years, no one knows I was struggling and suffering in silence every start of Spring. I hate spring. It's like a dagger piercing through my heart opening a 12-year-old wound all over again.

And for the last 12 years, in the deepest part of my soul, I keep hidden a secret that only a few know (until now). But even those few have no clue how I truly feel about April because I have not talked about it.

Revisiting the past.

It was early Spring of 2008. I never realized that I was even capable of carrying a child. I was a-okay to live a life childless since I was already 42 years old. I was considered "high risk" given my age at that time. And the thought of raising a child scared the wits out of me. But I was just happy that I was blessed and surprised that my loved ones back home were thrilled and happy for me as well.

So I was prepared to have a child. Though I was a little scared, I was excited to be a Mom. And started planning for my child's future. I was happy and delighted. And I thought that everyone was happy for me.

I was wrong.

Things did not turn out well when we announced our pregnancy to my in-laws. I won't go into great detail about it simply because I can't relive that night all over again. However, I will just describe how it felt because that feeling... that emotion... will never go away.

For one second my body turned numb and my brain went spinning like 100 miles per hour. I tried to shake off the words that I heard that came out of my MIL's mouth. But I knew exactly what I heard. It was clear as daylight. She was not joking. She was serious. And she meant every single word she uttered.

I scanned the room as if to check if I was indeed at the same dining table where we eat our meals a hundred times. And I was facing the same people I eat meals with since I came here to the US. I was sitting at the table right across from my MIL just like every single day we eat dinner.

I looked at my (then) husband for validation to know if what I was feeling at that moment was right and I saw sadness in his eyes. He too was confused and was trying to avoid my eyes and holding back the tears. I looked to my left and saw my FIL seemed to be biting his tongue while my MIL kept saying something that seemed to me as if she was trying to justify the reasons why I should not be pregnant and being pregnant was a big mistake.

I opened my mouth but no words came out, not even a weak sound, and neither did my husband. Everyone but her seemed to be shocked at our announcement and everyone was silent except my MIL. I took one more look at her face and what I saw gave me the validation I will never forget. She was not happy about the "good news". She was furious as if I committed the biggest crime in history.

Finally, someone had the guts to interrupt my MIL. My FIL finally had it and opened his mouth to ask my MIL to stop talking. He had enough of what she was saying. I can see in his face the disappointment. He looked disgusted at MIL and sorry at the same time for what had transpired.

I stood up and carried my plate with the untouched dinner and threw it in the trash. My husband did the same so I started washing the dishes with tears rolling down my cheeks blurring my eyes. When I finished washing the dishes I went straight to bed.

An hour later... I was rushed to the hospital.

I lost my baby!

Yes, it's over a decade now since I lost my precious child through miscarriage and I didn't even know if it was a girl or a boy. Despite the fact that I accepted my fate that I will never have a child of my own anymore, I thought I was able to move on and shake off the pain that I felt that fateful night of April 24th, 2008.

At the hospital, I can't remember if I was crying because I was in pain or because I lost not only my baby but also myself. But I remembered that I was crying and so was the father of my child while he was talking to my brother on the phone.

My body was numbed... my brain was confused... my heart was broken.

When the doctor said that I had a miscarriage, my emotion was already raw. I didn't even care. I only wanted to get over it and go home and maybe sleep.

I was tired.

I was defeated.

I already stopped crying by then and my brain was still. I guess I chose my brain to be still because I felt that my brain hurts to think of what just happened. The bleeding stopped but my heart started to feel some kind of pain I wasn't familiar with. It wasn't a physical kind of pain but it was a kind of pain that you feel when something precious was lost.

It was the very first time I felt it. It felt that my heart froze and it hardened and it was heavy. And my eyes went dry. My brain went blank. My gut. Oh, my gut. It felt like I was a new person. And I was a new person since then.

After that fateful night.

A lot of things happened after that night. Things that totally altered my perspective and the way I see life and my faith in some people including myself.

I've changed a lot. Change that I am not proud of. But nobody says that all changes are good anyway. So for the longest time, I thought I was doing okay. After that one fateful night, I hardly recognized myself. I became bitter and miserable and sad and frustrated with everything in my life. I hated my life and I didn't know what to do with it. And it affected my marriage, my relationship with people close to me, my mindset, and my sense of value.

I lived the last decade blaming MIL for my misery. I became distant and totally didn't want to have anything to do with her even if we lived together under one roof. The night was never mentioned ever again as if it didn't happen.

My relationship with my in-laws did change and the incident did leave a lasting mark on both of us. We became civil with each other but my trust was betrayed so I learned to shield myself to protect myself from getting hurt again.

There were times that MIL tried to be nice to me, showering me with gifts and stuff that she thought would make me feel happy or whatnots. Perhaps, it was her way of saying sorry for what she did but being the Matriarch of the family, she had kept her authoritative status and never really talked to me about that incident or even apologized for what she did. I wasn't surprised anyway because she didn't even talk to me or go to my room and check on me when I came home from the hospital. My FIL, on the other hand, did apologize. He apologized to me for both of them.

When the relationship took a 180 degrees turn, you conform to a new normal.

I was heartbroken. MIL was guilty (I presumed). But life has to go on.

Life wasn't easy since then but I managed to find a way to live it the way I should. I used my heartbrokenness as my excuse not to care about her the way I did before. And I did well in keeping my cool. We avoided each other as much as possible but living in the same household made it really challenging for the most part. We stopped having dinners together after that. Diner together was strictly on an occasional basis, mainly on Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners only. Other than that, my Ex and I ate our meals in our bedroom. 

Our domestic situation was totally weird but I just sucked it up. I don't have any choice anyway. But we carried on. We managed for years. Though we didn't see eye to eye since then, we managed to stay civil and kept our respect for each other. Or maybe for the most part. I can't remember anymore.

What I remember though was, we never fight again. Because we never spoke to each other unless it is necessary and unavoidable.

It was our domestic situation until she passed away.

I will not pretend that I did not play the victim part in this story. I did. I used it too many times to ease my pain that never goes away. I used it to soothe my longing for belongingness because at some point I felt that I belong nowhere.

I was lost.

Many things happened after that. Many more misunderstandings happened between me and other members of the family. And I got so lost that I turned to self-sabotage. I held grudges without knowing that every time my Ex and I would have a misunderstanding the "fateful night" would bring itself to the surface to make me feel alone.

Then over time, I started to build an invisible wall around me to protect myself from the pain. I thought it was the best way I did for myself. But I was wrong. It ruined my marriage. It ruined my self-esteem. It ruined my relationship with other people who don't even have anything to do with that "fateful night".

I was a total wreck.

But somehow light found its way to shine.

Life is a never-ending transition. It may be tiring but it is what it is. On that note, we ourselves have to choose the outcome. We can play the victim or the hero part. We always have a choice of how to live our life according to what makes us feel whole and victorious.

As for me, after the divorce, a lot of shifting happened in almost all parts of my existence. And that pretty much prepared me for this moment. It equipped me with the tools I need to let go, to move on and move forward.

It's about time.

I have already made peace with almost all of the things that kept me from obtaining my self-worth. And I am doing shadow work on myself that somehow gave me some sort of enlightenment to my dark side.

It is not easy. A lot of times, I would find myself giving up but for some reason, a stronger force would lift me up and find myself starting over again. And it's constant. I'm not complaining though because a lot of times I get a good grasp of the reality that I never know possible. And I began to like it.

And letting go (I think) is the final phase.

As I drove my way to Sebago Lake State Park last week for my usual hike, I suddenly felt my heart beating so fast and instantaneously, as if on command. I felt tears came running down my cheeks for no reason. Then I found myself sobbing, crying like a baby. My whole body was shaking but I know I was driving better than any other day. I'm pretty sure I was doing the "suggested" miles per hour on the backroad which was not really my normal driving behavior when I know there are no cops on stakeouts.

And all of a sudden, I heard myself burst out saying between sobs - "I'm sorry, and I forgive you."

I was shookt to the core!

Memories of April 24th, 2008 came flashing back in front of me. Tears were running down like Niagara Falls and I had no control over what words came out of my mouth.

And I let that sensation took over me!

After a good ten minutes, as I was turning left to Route 114, I felt that my whole body was already calmed as if the thunderstorm was over. And I felt peace.

Forgiveness is a tricky business.

It was the final call.

It was the last resort for my transformation and healing.

And it was the only way for me to be able to realize that I need to make "that" crucial choice if I want to be healed.

I am not really a bad person. I may have issues unique to myself but I know that forgiveness and asking for one are totally in two different spectra.

My non-spiritual side tells me that - "forgiveness is given only when asked." And for so long, I really did want to forgive but how can I forgive if the person who hurt you did not even say sorry or ask for forgiveness. 

My spiritual side says otherwise - "forgiveness is given until the heart heals and even when not asked." So whether the person who hurt you asks for forgiveness or not, forgive because it is an act of charity from the heart. And I thought, that was hardcore! And I am not hardcore.

In the midst of my brain-heart debate happening in my already confused psyche, I found myself asking my MIL in the deepest of my heart - forgiveness for closing off my heart on her and letting go of the wound that caused the pain I had for years.

And after a few seconds, the storm had passed. And everything was calm. 

And I finally named my baby.

A lot of things happened for a reason. It wasn't my MIL's fault that I lost my child neither was it my punishment for all the mean things I did to a lot of people or was it my karma for the pain I caused some people in the past.

Things happen for a reason to lead us to our true path. It could be a way of helping us pick up the lessons we need to reach our higher self. Or simply how our lives are designed.

The pain that night caused me to block all opportunities I had to be a better person. It blinded me to see the goodness in people and most importantly the goodness within. I was so hung up on my pain that beautiful things around me became insignificant and trust issues became a major issue.

Forgiveness made me forget one big thing. The most important thing in my life story. The reason why I changed. My baby - the most beautiful gift I had in my life who represents my whole being.

So today, I choose to be free of pain.

I choose to heal.

I choose to forgive.

I choose to love again.


I forgot all about him and never acknowledged that he has been a part of me because I was so consumed by my hatred.

So today, I choose to acknowledge him and place him in my heart where he belongs.

I am taking his spirit to be part of my Spiritual Cohort who watches over me in this lifetime.

AND now, my baby is my Angel who watches over this Mama until they meet again.

I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you, my Guardian Angel...
my Baby...

------------------------------ ooo0ooo ------------------------------


This blog is a TRIBUTE to the Child I lost and the Angel I found. 


  1. Haaaay... D ko po napigilan ang aking emosyon. 1:26am Philippine Time. I shed tears. Love you Ma'am ❤️❤️❤️

  2. Haaaay... D ko po napigilan ang aking emosyon. 1:26am Philippine Time. I shed tears. Love you Ma'am ❤️❤️❤️

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read. Please share to someone you know who needs healing.